compassion

Self Compassion

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beyourself (Photo Credit: Thich Nhat Hanh, Calligraphy)

By Christine Brady, MA

When was the last time you recall hearing something like the following; “I can’t believe that you did that, what an idiot, you are so stupid, you always mess everything up.” Would you be surprised to know that many people speak to themselves like this on a daily basis?

While most of us would never dream of saying something so toxic to others we may have no problem speaking to ourselves this way. It may seem natural to respond with compassion and empathy to others that may be struggling while at the same time we may choose not to extend that same consideration to ourselves. It’s as if we believe that by coming down hard on ourselves we will somehow improve our performance.

Life naturally includes challenges and setbacks. We can add to the impact of intense events in our lives by colluding with an internalized bully. Constantly ruminating about past mistakes, current errors, and potential future gaffs keeps you out of the present moment and can exacerbate feelings of depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, relationship problems, and difficulty in recovering from setbacks.

Developing a sense of self-compassion isn’t merely positive thinking or repeating mantras in an attempt to quiet your internal bully, it is based in the relationship that we have with ourselves. Self-compassion is the willingness to treat ourselves with the same caring support that we extend to others.

Self-compassion balances the truth of a situation such as “I made a mistake” with the ability to realize that making a mistake does not diminish your worth and value. This allows you to both acknowledge what happened directly while avoiding the feelings of shame that can lead to feelings of hopelessness, thereby increasing the level of difficulty in finding solutions.

Self-compassion is a skill that allows us to navigate our humanness with objectivity, empathy, understanding, and kindness. It is a way in which we can relate to ourselves both when we’re struggling and when things are going well. This compassionate view of ourselves brings light to the dark places, soothes the soul, and provides a safe space for imagining creative solutions to everyday problems.

The following is adapted from KimFredrickson.com (2015) We All Need Kindness, Identifying Self-Compassionate Ways that we can relate to Ourselves.

Truths We Can Share with Ourselves

    • You are valuable and precious, no matter what is happening
    • Even in the suffering you are going through, you are valuable and of great worth
    • Most people do the best they can with what they have. It is true that we want to live as healthy lives as possible, and it is also true that there are deep reasons why we make choices that can cause us harm
    • It is ok, and normal to be angry, confused, sad, and all jumbled up inside. These feelings are a normal and necessary part of the process of adjusting to what you are going through
    • Allow yourself to have and express your feelings if possible, because this expression cleanses and will subside
    • No matter what is happening, you can be a good friend to yourself
    • Take this time to allow your body/mind/spirit to heal. This is just as important as other things you need to do. Make sure care of yourself is in your schedule
    • Listen to yourself (your heart, feelings, thoughts, body, and spirit). What do you need right now? What would a really good friend do for you right now? You can be that friend
    • You are going through such a difficult time. What would the kindest person you know say to you right now?
    • Give yourself time to have a good cry and sleep. This may be just what you need
    • Breathe….and Rest…and be Kind…to You!

References

Fredrickson, K. (2015, November 19). We all need kindness. [web log post] Retrieved December 4, 2015 from http://www.kimfredrickson.com/we-all-need-kindness/

Fredrickson, K. (2015). Give yourself a break turning your inner critic into a compassionate friend. Grand Rapids, MI: Revell.

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World Sickness and the Thirst for God

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By Nicolina Santoro, MA, IMF 77972

Once upon a time, in the vast kingdom of the helping professions, there lived a therapist whose thirst for knowledge and desire to aid in the process of personal and interpersonal change was unrivaled in all the land. This therapist had taken it upon herself to rewrite the story of her own history in a manner that changes the context of painful past experiences from blockages into tools that create a larger understanding and empathy for those she has chosen to serve in her work.

This constantly evolving therapist became immersed in theory and work of great minds such as Carl Rogers and William James. Realizing that human potential is vast, she wanted to understand how important stories and fairy tales were to constructing the memories that colored the landscape of reality, a reality that seemed to have the power to dictate how people see themselves and live their lives.

These dominant fairy tales permeate the fabric of our perceptions which also bump up against the lives of others we come into contact with out in the world. Personal narratives or “life styles” are filled with characters that are archetypal in nature, influencing us to play out repetitive sequences in life. These characters tend to take on the personas of stereotypical themes that are reinforced by learning them at a young age, or by the social referencing effect of our dominant culture.

William James calls the mental fatigue effect of living in an environment laden with unrealistic scenarios or fairy tales “world sickness.” It appears as though living in a world dominated by stereotypes and fairy tales could be implicated in the aggravation of many types of mental health issues.

How can we address the fatigue, depression, anxiety, and thought distortions that world sickness creates and impacts?

Let’s start with being gentle with ourselves. When we imagine a supreme spiritual being, the embodiment of certain characteristics seems to be present across many cultures. Some of these characteristics include unconditional love (a love that exists beyond judgment), a superconscious presence that never dissipates or abandons, and the ability to create out of seemingly thin air. For the scientists who have a different path, god could also be described as the picture of what we theorize as the highest human potential. We have the potential to express this in our own reality by living our lives in accordance to our deepest and strongest values while moving away from comparing ourselves to the unrealistic standards or “fairy tales” woven into the fabric of our society, loving ourselves and others through the lens of acceptance and vulnerability, a gentler version of happily ever after.


References

James. W. (1902). The Varieties of Religious Experience: A Study on Human Nature. Longmans, Green & Co. London, UK.

Miller, W.R. (2006). Integrating Spirituality into Treatment: Resources for Practitioners. Washington: American Psychological Association.

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The Compassion Door: 5 Steps to more LOVE!

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love-lines

By Leona Kashersky, Psy.D.

For the last year I have deepened my study and practice of compassion, using embodiment practices to integrate  “Lovingkindness” or “Metta” into my daily life and physical being.  My personal experience mirrors what research in the fields of transpersonal and mindfulness psychology is saying about the overall health benefits of the practice. This practice actually enhances immune  function, cardiovascular health, glucose regulation, and even improves social skills!

Metta can be loosely defined as love and compassion for the self and others. Researchers are learning that practicing lovingkindness or metta has objective and observable emotional, physical, social benefits. Donald Rothberg, whose work spans over 30 years as a leading teacher and writer on transpersonal psychology, meditation, and socially engaged spiritual practice, wrote “The Engaged Spiritual Life: A Buddhist Approach to Transforming Ourselves and the World.” Both Donald Rothberg and Barbra Fredrickson have been influential in conducting and participating in research to establish evidence for the health benefits of meditation, self-love, and compassion in modern society.  Fredrickson teaches what she calls “micro-moments of love” or  “positivity resonance” in scientific lingo and in everyday language. As Fredrickson points out, compassion generates loveand love feels good! Start with yourself, and it will naturally radiate out to others near and far.

In my most recent experiences with meditation on love, compassion, and kindness I have used Metta mantras such as “rest in an awakened heart”, “safe and free from harm”, “the body supports the practice”, “surrounded by love and kindness”, in combination with movement. The pairing of movement, breath, mantra, and human connection help to assist in the integration of the compassion practice into the entire mind, body, and spirit.  Movement can include yoga, walking, and dance, including 5 Rhythms; Included are a couple of links to local favorites! The practice of movement meditation has assisted in my personal journey to embody the practice of loving kindness.

The following  techniques reduce burnout and increases positive emotion and LOVE on many different levels in the lives’ of individual people, families, and communities.  A brief and concise description of how the mantras are used are outlined below:

for HP Blog

Step 1:

Cultivate self-compassion: First, focus on the easiest person to grow compassion towards, the self. This is done by not merely reciting words or phrases, but by allowing one’s self to feel the meaning of the phrase or words during the meditation.

  1. I rest with an awakened heart
  2. May I be safe and free from harm
  3. May my body support my practice
  4. May I be surrounded by love and kindness

Step 2:

Cultivate compassion for a ‘dear one’, someone you love dearly. This may be your child, your parent, or a romantic partner, or even a pet!  This is the second easiest form of compassion to grow. As you concentrate on the meaning or feelings of phrases or words, picture the face of the dear one; allow yourself to really experience the face of this dear one. Then slowly use  following mantras. One meditation session may only focus on one of the phrases for each of these steps.

  1. May you rest with an awakened heart
  2. May you be safe and free from harm
  3. May your body support your practice
  4. May you be surrounded by love and kindness

Step 3:

Cultivate compassion for a ‘neutral person’. This neutral person can be someone you see at Starbucks every weekday morning; however you don’t really know them. You don’t usually talk or say hello, you may just see each other in passing. You have no strong feelings towards them, neither positive or negative. Allow yourself to really imagine them in your presence, see their face in your mind’s eye. Begin the following mantras for them.

  1. May you rest with an awakened heart
  2. May you be safe and free from harm
  3. May your body support your practice
  4. May you be surrounded by love and kindness

Step 4:

Cultivate compassion for a ‘difficult person’, someone you find challenging to feel compassion for at the moment.  The difficult person can be someone  close to you, or a someone you’ve never met, such as a political leader. Sometimes the ‘difficult person’ and the ‘dear one’ can be the same person depending on how you feel at the time. Really allow yourself to feel the presence of the difficult person before using the following mantras.

  1. May you rest with an awakened heart
  2. May you be safe and free from harm
  3. May your body support your practice
  4. May you be surrounded by love and kindness

Step 5:

Cultivating compassion for all beings is a meditation focusing on humans, plants, animals, and the entire living planet. We continue to use the four focused mantras or phrases to do this with the following.

  1. May all beings rest with an awakened heart
  2. May all beings be safe and free from harm
  3. May all beings be free from pain and suffering
  4. May all beings be surrounded by love and kindness

 

References: 

Cultivating self-care and compassion in psychological therapists in training: the experience of practicing loving-kindness meditation. Training and Education in Professional Psychology, Vol 7(4), Nov 2013, 267-277 Boellinghaus, Inga; Jones, FergalW.; Hutton, Jane
Effect of Kindness-Based Meditation on Health and well-Being: A Systematic Review and Meta-Analysis. Galante, Julieta; Galante, Ignacio; Bekkers, Marie-jet; Gallacher, John Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, Jun 30, 2014, No Pagination Specified.

The nondiscriminating heart: Lovingkindness meditation training decreases implicit intergroup bias. Journal of Experimental Psychology: General, Vol 143(3), Jun 2014, 1306-1313 Kang, Yoona; Gray, Jeremy R.; Dovidio, John F.

Self-compassion: Conceptualizations, correlations, and interventions. Barnard, Laura K.; Curry, John F. Review of General Psychology, Vol 15(4), Dec 2011, 289-303.

Effects of intranasal oxytocin on ‘compassion focused imagery’.  Rockliff, Helen; Karl Anke; McEwan, Kirsten; Gilbert, Jean; Matos, Marcela; Gilbert, Paul Emotion, Vol 66(8), Nov 2011, 1388-1396

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