Do you know what to do when you feel uncomfortable or even despaired? If you struggle with indecision, it may come from your childhood.
The U.S. is an individualistic society where children “are encouraged to compete with each other to feel pride in their individual achievements” (Newman and Newman, 2009, p. 69) overtly and covertly. In contrast, there are collectivist societies, where children “are praised for behaviors that evidence responsibility for others” (Newman and Newman, 2009, p. 69).
Does this mean that children in individualistic societies like in the U.S. are not affected by other people? The answer is no. As your brain develops, it is shaped by interactions with your caregivers and other people around you. “Self and community are fundamentally interrelated” and “(T)he ‘me’ discovers meaning and happiness by joining and belonging to a ‘we’” (Siegel and Brayson, 2011, p. 122).
However, when your home was not a place where you felt happiness and love, your home became “a source of fear and emotional dysregulation” (Cozolino, p.231). If your caregivers didn’t validate your emotions and you didn’t feel understood even before you started speaking your language, as an adult, you likely depend on someone or something to soothe you when you face difficulties (Maté, 2010). These parenting styles and behaviors may be passed on from one generation to the next generation (Maté, 2010).
It’s never too late to unlearn what was passed onto you. Despite how you grew up and wherever you grew up, you can learn how to be kind to yourself. You can start learning how to regulate your emotions by interacting with your therapist. “We are hard-wired to be collaborative. When we are integrated interpersonally, we become integrated internally” (Siegel, 2012, p.34-6).
The good news for doing this is that “(A)cross the life span, relationships are an important source of vitality and they promote health in mind and body (Siegel, 2012, p.34-5). Also, “(E)mpathetic relationships help the immune system function well” (Siegel, 2012, p.34-5). Learning how to have a healthy relationship with yourself and other people promotes your overall health. It is not a quick solution, but the reward is enormous.
Cozolino, L. (2006). The neuroscience of Human Relationships. New York, NY: W.W. Norton & Company.
Maté, G. (2010). In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts. Berkley, CA: North Atlantic Books.
Newman, B. M. & Newman, P. R. (2009). Development Through Life. Belmont, CA: Wadsworth Cengage Learning.
Siegel, D. J. (2012). Pocket Guide to Interpersonal neurobiology. New York, NY: W.W. Norton & Company
Siegel, D. J. & Bryson, T. P. (2011). The Whole-Brain Child. New York, NY: Bantam Books.
Healthy relationships do not always come easy; there is a degree of effort that everyone must put into them to function. Often, there is no direct “right answer” for the problems one may have with their romantic partner. There are, however, steps both parties can take to ensure a working coalition.
It is important to look for signs of relationship issues, such as excessive arguing, withdrawal, or a lack of trust. Sometimes such relationship issues are caused by “self-sabotage,” in which either partner severs opportunities to grow more intimate connections. This avoidance behavior often stems from fears of abandonment and low self-esteem. It takes a certain amount of courage to face issues with intimacy and honesty with their partner. Ignoring problems only creates more division and can aggravate resentment, and other negative emotions either partner may harbor.
Couples counseling is one great example of a way to increase communication and consequently create more harmony within the relationship. If both partners are willing to change and communicate their issues with one another without playing the blame game, there is clear hope for a resolution.
Relationships are a joint effort. Mending them can be tiring and taxing on one’s emotions, but as long as both are willing to work on it, it is a step in the right direction. Even if the relationship ends, it is best to know it ended with some sense of closure and clarity. There is always something to be learned from these experiences, so regardless of how things go, all one can do is pick themself up and carry on.
Halloween candieeees!!!! If you can eat a candy one at a time, that is great. But if you start thinking about eating candy all the time, or if you cannot stop eating candy once you have one, it can be a problem.
Do you know that you can get addicted to sugar? Researchers are finding out that sugar rewards animal brains like drugs do (Wiss, Avena, and Rada, 2018). How? In an animal brain and also in a human brain, there are “opioid and dopamine circuitry” (Maté, 2010, p.171). Both are important systems for your survival, but they are also involved in addiction. The opioid system uses endorphins, which are “natural narcotics” (Maté, 2010, p.158), and regulate your body in many ways. On the other hand, The dopamine system “has been associated with pleasure” and dopamine “has been called the anti-stress molecule and the pleasure molecule” (Blum, Braverman, et al.: as cited in Blum et al., 2015). They found that rats binge on sugar water because it releases dopamine in their brains like drugs do (Avena et al.; Rada et al.; as cited in Avena, Rada and Hoebel, 2008).
On top of that, they found that binge drinking on sugar water changed dopamine receptors in rats’ brains, which means they needed more and more sugar to feel the same pleasure. They also found craving anxiety and withdrawal occurs when rats only could access to sugar sporadically (Avena, Rada and Hoebel, 2008).
Those changes likely occur in human brains, too (Avena, Rada and Hoebel, 2008). We need to eat. Sugar is one of the foods that give us energy. When our food was scarce, our survival mechanism worked well. But “(a) s we evolved culturally, the neural circuits involved in addictive behaviors became dysfunctional, and instead of helping us survive they are in fact compromising our health” (Wiss, Avena, and Rada, 2018).
When you cannot modify your candy-eating behavior, and you became addicted to sugar, you are powerless over sugar or sweets because the opioids and dopamine systems in your brain were changed (Blum et al., 2015). It takes time to reverse the change. If you are repeating the same binge-eating of sugar and wishing someday you will stop, you cannot change your brain. Your brain is used to be in the routine and does not like change. If you try to stop on your own, you may feel fear and anxiety from withdrawal. So, if you decide to break free from your sugar addiction, you need to look for outside help, like going to twelve-step meetings, self-help groups, or seeking psychotherapy.
Avena, N.M., Rada P., & Hoebel, B.G. (2008). Review: Evidence for sugar addiction: Behavioral and neurochemical effects of intermittent, excessive sugar intake. Neuroscience and Biobehavioral Reviews, 32,20-39.
Blum, K., Thompson, B., Demotrovics, Z., Femino, J., Giordano, J., Oscar-Berman, M., …Gold, M.S. (2015). The Molecular Neurobiology of Twelve Steps Program & Fellowship: Connecting the Dots for Recovery. Journal of Reward Deficiency Syndrome, 1,46-64. http://dx.doi.org/10.17756/jrds.2015-008
Maté, G. (2010). In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts. Berkley, CA: North Atlantic Books.
Wiss, D. A., Avena N., & Rada, P. (2018). Sugar Addiction: From Evolution to Revolution. Front Psychiatry, 9:545. http://dx.doi.org/10.3389/fpsyt.2018.00545
“Sometimes the child emerges at a distance. It comes as an image of a child. A client may report seeing herself as a child or remembering herself as a child,” which may indicate that she’s not “ready to actually experience the child” (Kurtz, 1990, p. 133-134). If so, then you can ask the client’s adult aspect to talk with the child to share what’s happening.
“When the image of the child appears at a distance, it may also be that the person doesn’t want to own that child, or hates the child, hates that part of herself. It’s important, then, to try a dialogue and eventual reunion with the child” (p. 134). One of Ron Kurtz’s clients made it clear that she preferred to keep her child buried, so he did an experiential exercise called “taking over” by having her try reaching out for it while he held her back.
While someone may intensely dislike her inner child, others may overvalue or be overidentified with it. “Even though child states can be problematic and limiting, it is possible to celebrate their positive origins and protective intent” (Morgan, 2015, p. 207). Assisting “the child aspects of the client to grow and become embodied and integrated with the functioning adult self, the therapist needs to” be sure that the client’s observer adult witness part is also there along with the child, so they are not overly identified with the child (p. 208). Grief around one’s losses needs to occur in addition to experiences of acceptance and self-love that are given and received in the present (Stark, 1994).
Mindfulness, as developed in Hakomi training, and with clients in psychotherapy, assists with the awareness of the adult witness and disidentification from wounded, desperate child aspects. “With the witness present, a therapist and client can be with intense longings, evaluate potential nourishment, and notice when the nourishment is accepted at a deep level” (Morgan, 2015, p. 208).
“The core beliefs of the child are held in state-specific consciousness and are usually not available in ordinary awareness. They are available in the state in which they were first learned. For transformation to occur, the client needs to be present with his or her child consciousness, so that these early beliefs can be fully accessed and processed” (p. 210). While “it is possible to do useful work with the child and core beliefs from the place of ordinary consciousness”, it won’t “have the same impact as working directly with the child state” (p. 210).
“The child is often accessible when a memory arises in the client. The therapist can expand the memory a little by asking for the age and setting while tracking emotional and bodily expression and accessing felt sense” (p. 210). He may use a probe or a contact statement like, “Your child is here now, huh(?).”
Ron Kurtz had the gift of being able to be “a magical stranger to the inner child” in an age-appropriate and nourishing way (p. 211). Going into the magical stranger mode and offering a “missing experience” can be quite powerful for a client. A therapist can become an unfamiliar, kind person who travels back in time and who can interact with the “frozen” child, providing novel and more corrective emotional experiences that were missing from earlier in life (Morgan, 2015).
Here are some guidelines for working with the inner child:
Recognize the child as she appears in session by changes in voice, expression, posture, and so forth.
Be interested in that child; hold the experience in present time.
Acknowledge and validate the child’s experience directly.
Talk directly to the child in simple, age-appropriate language. Attune carefully, maintaining tracking and contact.
Ask the adult self for comments on how the child is responding in the moment and to nourishment.
Check out feelings of the adult toward the child. If they are negative, there is a critical, defensive part present who is not able to show understanding and compassion toward the child. This part can be brought to the client’s consciousness.
Encourage the child to name and express feelings and perceptions.
In the case of overwhelming emotions, allow for some distance to the child part (e.g., imagining placing it far away or behind a window).
Find out the meaning the child placed in the early situation.
Let the child articulate her needs.
Ask the compassionate adult self what the child needs to hear or know.
Remember that the child is the map maker, forming the core models of self and the world used throughout life.
Be attentive, validating, playful, compassionate, and creative, just as one would with a real child in the room. Draw on experiences with actual children. Adapt language and tone of voice according to what is age-appropriate (p. 213-214).
To learn more about Hakomi, please follow the tag #hakomi
Kurtz, R. S. (1990). Body-Centered Psychotherapy: The Hakomi Method. Mendocino, CA: Liferhythm Press.
Morgan, M. (2015). Child States and Therapeutic Regression. H. Weiss, G. Johanson & L. Monda (Eds.). Hakomi mindfulness-centered somatic psychotherapy: a comprehensive guide to theory and practice (p. 203-216). New York: W.W. Norton & Company.
Stark, M. (1994). Working with resistance. Northvale, NJ: Jason Aronson.
As the COVID-19 pandemic persists and our days working from home push into the latter half of the year, the “new normal” constantly referenced still doesn’t feel so normal. While for some, quarantine seems almost like a vacation due to the varying amounts of convenience offered from working in the comforts of one’s own home. Even so, it’s important to consider what we want to have accomplished after these many months. Staying on top of things by maintaining a daily routine offers a shot at a sense of normalcy and certainty.
Many have been anxious and stressed due to quarantine, and establishing daily routines brings about a sense of order and focus. Simple activities such as making your bed, applying perfume, and working out remind us that life goes on despite all circumstances (Rivers). The pandemic is not here to stay forever; all things pass in a matter of time. Being prepared to operate as normal, whether social distancing or not, is a crucial aspect of maintaining one’s wellness. Continuing to clean, dress for work, and call people regularly helps fight the lonely and dreadful nature of our extended time indoors (Krans). Most days are the same. Time has grown increasingly difficult to keep track of. Keeping up with daily activities and adhering to a healthy, regular sleep schedule allows us to keep track of each day’s progression.
The more quarantine interrupts our regular daily routines, the more aware we are of what we used to do every day. Simply because everyone is stuck at home for so long, our typical daily practices do not need to be stalled. The order that comes with daily tasks works well in fighting the anxiety of living in the COVID-19 pandemic. Although there are new limitations on our lives as a result of quarantine, life in no way has to stop moving. The new normal is only as abnormal as one lets it be.
As a therapist treating adult clients with depression, anxiety, or addiction, I have concluded that all three conditions stem from developmental trauma known as “adverse childhood events” (popularly called ACEs) (Felitti, 1998). Examples of ACES are a chaotic home environment marked by sudden angry arguments, domestic violence, parental substance abuse, parental incarceration or parental separation/divorce; physical, sexual or emotional abuse; or failure to meet the child’s need for validation, loving emotional connection, emotional holding and affectionate physical touch.
Adverse Childhood Events (ACEs)
ACEs are highly traumatic to children. They impair the structural and functional development of the child’s brain while blunting her ability to sense what happens in her body or to experience and express her emotions (Perry, 2006). They also cause the developing child to create powerful negative self-beliefs as a way of explaining why her parents treat her so terribly. A child is 100% dependent on her parents and is not capable of forming or living with the belief that they are cruel, incompetent, or uncaring, so she blames herself for being abused or ignored. She concludes that there is something wrong or defective about her and that she alone is the cause of the ACES inflicted upon her when such is certainly not true (Miller, 2007).
Negative self-beliefs are a form of self-blame for the pain of not being loved well. They operate over the lifespan like a software program buried invisibly in the unconscious mind. An adult who harbors unconscious negative self-beliefs has a tendency to keep finding evidence to confirm them. While adults without a traumatic childhood can shake off and bounce back from their missteps, mistakes, rejections, and failures, the same is not true for children who were traumatized. The more ACEs in childhood the more suffering in adulthood (Felitti, 1998).
The list of negative self-beliefs a child can develop is a rather long, sad list and includes such beliefs as: “I don’t deserve to exist;” “I don’t make mistakes, I am a mistake;” “I am invisible;” and “nobody will ever love me.” In my experience, the two most common beliefs relate to a lack of agency and lack of lovability. Let’s take a look at each one.
What does agency refer to, and why is it important? Agency is an essential component of personhood. An agent is capable of acting on her own to protect and care for herself and others, and to bring about changes in herself and her environment. An agent adopts a moral code from her life experiences and comes to know what is good or bad for her. She is able to trust her own judgment.
A child who is over-protected, ignored and unsupported, or invalidated by relentless criticism, grows up without a sense of agency. The over-protected child has no opportunities to test, develop, and see proof of her own abilities. The child who suffers from parental indifference and lack of support, grows up feeling invisible and powerless. This perception is strengthened by the fact that she must rely completely upon her own resources while competing with other children at school and extra-curricular activities. She feels alone and is filled with self-doubt. The child who is criticized over and over by her parents, may see herself as unable to get anything right or achieve anything worthwhile. Adults who lack a sense of agency are prone to fear, anxiety, and shame. When they do succeed on the surface, they suffer from imposter syndrome.
What does lovability encompass? To be lovable is to be accepted just as you are without needing to manipulate others or pretend to be more than you are to gain social acceptance. An adult who perceives herself as unlovable due to childhood trauma sees herself as broken, defective, and less than others. She hesitates to approach others for friendship, dating, jobs, or promotions because she views herself through self-degrading adjectives like unattractive, ugly, stupid, dull, boring, uncool, awkward, etc. She perceives herself to be a misfit that does not belong and anticipates social rejection and exclusion. When she is turned down from friendship or a job, she sees this as confirmation of his negative core belief and is triggered to re-experience childhood pain. Lack of lovability goes with shame, sadness, and depression.
The good news is that the negative self-beliefs formed in childhood consequent to abuse or neglect can be vanquished. This occurs when the client re-lives the painful experiences that formed the beliefs, understands how they arose, and becomes able to reject them as the logical interpretation of a child’s mind seeking to account for and cope with a miserable childhood. This process requires step-by-step progress in therapy as the client wades deeper and deeper into the waters of what is the emotional truth of her life.
At Healing Pathways, the interns are skilled in a variety of treatment modalities that can help clients process their childhood trauma and reach emotional freedom without constraint by negative self-beliefs that do not match up with reality. These modalities include EMDR, brainspotting, psychodynamic psychotherapy, expressive arts therapy, narrative therapy, hakomi, and compassionate inquiry. Our therapists can also teach clients how to respond effectively to being triggered by another person or event that brings up their most painful self-belief. We teach clients mindfulness, meditation, guided imagery, the flash technique, tapping in, and a variety of skills for self-calming and self-soothing. Potential clients who share the challenges discussed in this blog are encouraged to learn more about these therapies and ask for a therapist intern at Healing Pathways who uses the therapy that seems like the most promising or the best fit.
Felitti, V.J. et al. (1998) Relationship of child abuse and household dysfunction to many of the leading causes of death in adults, American Journal of Preventive Medicine, 14(4); 245-258, doi: https://doi.org/10.1016/S0749-3797(98)00017-8
Perry, B.D. and Szalavitz, M. (2006). The boy who was raised as a dog and other stories from a child psychiatrist’s notebook: What traumatized children can teach us about loss, love, and healing. New York: NY. Basic Books.
Miller, A. (2007). The drama of the gifted child: The search for the true self. New York: NY. Basic Books.
Do you notice you are staring at one spot when you are trying to remember something? Developed by Dr. David Grand, Brainspotting trauma therapy helps you to process your unresolved trauma by finding a spot for your eyes to focus on.
Grand first discovered this phenomenon while performing Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy for his client. EMDR uses bilateral, dual stimulation to help you store your traumatic memories into the right perspectives in your brain (Shapiro, 2018). In this case, David was guiding his client to move her eyes from side to side.
He realized that “her eyes wobbled dramatically and then locked in place” (Grand, 2013, p. 13) during the process. Intuitively, he felt she wanted to stop and look at a fixed spot, so he let her. After a while, memories she had forgotten came up like it opened the floodgates.
Brainspotting doesn’t require describing traumatic experiences by using your words. Traumas are “largely the result of primitive responses” (Levine, 1997, p.24). Many traumatized individuals were not able to express their feelings because they cannot describe their body sensations (Van der Kolk, 2014, p. 100). Moreover, “the rational brain” (p. 47) is incapable of talking “the emotional brain out of its own reality” (Van der Kolk, 2014, p. 47).
With your therapist present, you can try to feel your body sensations and bring up emotions attached to your traumatic experiences. Trauma therapy can be overwhelming. It sounds terrifying, but with brainspotting trauma therapy, you get to decide how you want to process your trauma.
Grand, D. (2013). Brainspotting. Boulder, CO: Sounds True
Shapiro, F. (2018). Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) Therapy. New York, NY: The Gilford Press
Van der Kolk, B (2014). The Body Keeps the Score. New York, NY: Penguin Books
Smell is perhaps the most mysterious out of the six senses. It has proven crucial to human survival throughout the ages and has definite links in emotion and memory. Recalling specific memories is difficult based on smell alone, especially with more obscure scents picked up at seemingly unrelated times and locations. Regardless of one’s ability to trace memories with smell alone, the emotions associated with them are real.
The power of smell is more prominent in our lives than one may think.
Most of us are well aware of the connection between our sense of smell and ability to recall emotions. This can happen by stumbling upon a similar smell by chance or through mediums such as perfume to enforce emotions linked to memories where the scent was present (Bergland). For example, the aroma of certain foods from childhood can bring back memories of home or loved ones. The smell of familiar scents can help place us in a specific mood.
The amygdala, the area in the brain where emotions are processed, and the hippocampus where memories are formed, are closely linked with where the brain processes smell, or the olfactory bulbs (Saplakoglu). Emotions aid in telling us to avoid or approach certain things, a familiar trait in our sense of smell. Understanding the chemical processes that occur when we pick up certain odors is important in dealing with memory and emotion in context.
It is easy to forget the strong role smell plays in our feelings, but it can be a helpful tool to get in a certain mindset thanks to the memories associated with certain scents. Things like perfume and incense are not only capable of bringing about pleasant scents but can also shift our mood and help us relax. When smelled at a specific time, scents tend to place people in the same emotion they felt when they smelled it the first time. For some, the human sense of smell can be hard to describe and tends to bring out more raw emotions due to the vivid yet mysterious sensation smelling things can induce. So, let’s make sure to stop and smell the roses every once in a while!
Hakomi puts much importance on the non-ordinary state of consciousness called the “inner child.” Sometimes it is more in alignment with the adult self, other times not (Eisman, 1989).
“The goal of child development is individuation, a sense of the self as a unique and defined being, with mastery of the functional skills necessary to participate in and enjoy life. What the child is developing is his or her own uniqueness. In Hakomi terms, the child is striving to attain its own organicity” (Eisman, 1989, p. 10). As children, to attain individuation, we need unity with our caregivers. “Experiences that support our self-respect and individuation create positive core beliefs. Experiences that violate us create limiting core beliefs” (p. 11).
Experiences evoked in therapy frequently relate to early childhood. Through these experiences, the inner child can express herself. This expression happens spontaneously as a consciousness shift and emerges through an “influence of emotionally charged memories.”
“In remembering the feelings and events of childhood, we remember also the consciousness of childhood,” which is “another non-ordinary state of consciousness” (Ron Kurtz, 1990, p. 131). The child can and often does appear spontaneously in psychotherapy, and the therapist can assist it in emerging (p. 133).
Experiences learned in one state of consciousness might be hard to access from a different state of consciousness. Thus, a child who had early experiences, “was in a much different state of consciousness than the adult” she became. So much so that many adults have “difficulty remembering what they were like” as children. But it was “the child’s experiences that created the core material,” which influences adult present time experiences (p. 132).
Ideally, the individual in a “child state of consciousness” has not lost her connection to the present time situation, and the child she was and the adult she is are both present simultaneously (p. 132). As such, this could provide an opportunity to do some integration by helping a client relive painful experiences, watch them at the same time, understand the history, and combine “the emotional intensity of childhood with the reasoning capabilities of an adult” (p. 132).
The inner child and her experiences built her worldview and self-image, so by making contact and working with that child, you have the option of changing that worldview and self-image. Just by being there with her, by talking to her and explaining things, by being careful, patient, and concerned, just by doing that, you help change the way she feels about herself and the world. And by doing that, you help change the adult as well (Kurtz, 1990).
“Child consciousness may feel like part of an integrated life, or it can appear to limit and sabotage a satisfying adult life” (Morgan, 2015, p. 204). Some people can have child aspects that dominate their “adult self in present time,” and thus, they may seem childish, “too emotional, or overly dependent on others” (p. 205).
Eisman, J. (1989). The child state of consciousness and the formation of the self. Hakomi Forum, (7), 10-15.
Kurtz, R. S. (1990). Body-Centered Psychotherapy: The Hakomi Method. Mendocino, CA: Liferhythm Press.
Morgan, M. (2015). Child States and Therapeutic Regression. H. Weiss, G. Johanson & L. Monda (Eds.). Hakomi mindfulness-centered somatic psychotherapy: a comprehensive guide to theory and practice (pp. 203-216). New York: W.W. Norton & Company.
Most of us are not at our best in uncomfortably hot weather. We tend to feel more irritable, tired, or restless. And no one would blame us — the heat can be truly unbearable.
Studies have revealed the psychology of how heat can affect our mood, for better or worse. According to Psych Central, heat waves have been found to increase depression and aggression, and humidity lowers concentration and energy (Grohol). With summer on its way, let’s be mindful of ways to be mentally healthy in the heat.
Here are some simple actions we can take to cope with hot weather:
Notice your feelings.
Take a moment to think about how temperatures affect your mood (Nyamora). Pay attention to how you are feeling. Do not ignore your feelings, especially when it’s hot out.
Catch yourself before you act.
Half the battle is catching yourself when you feel your mood is being affected by the weather. Take a moment to pause and take some deep breaths. If you can stop yourself before acting out and saying or doing something you might regret, you will feel better in the long run.
Practice self care.
Stay hydrated, in air conditioning, and out of the heat as much as possible.
Plan your day around the heat waves.
If you know the weather is going to be hot, run errands and exercise when it’s cooler.
Remember to be mindful of your needs and attitude all year round, but be especially careful when it’s hot. It takes little effort to ensure you are doing your best to remain healthy and positive, even when nature gets in the way. On the positive side, hot weather can make swimming and indoor activities feel even nicer! It doesn’t take much to make the best of the summer heat.